The Teenage Bingo Brigade A short script by Garrett Gilchrist EXT. SANDY BEACH - DAY We simply watch and listen to the waves crash for a little while, the surf ebbing and flowing, the caw of some seagulls. A man in a furry jacket walks through the water. He is holding a cat, and wearing a mask, which he removes. This is EDGAR. He speaks calmly, but gives off an air of polite nervousness. EDGAR The Teenage Bingo Brigade. INT. HOUSE NEAR BEACH - DAY A fire is roaring in the fireplace. A man in a suit sits in a leather chair, sipping from a martini in a martini glass. This is VIVIAN. He speaks like a european schoolteacher, like the way we imagine Tolkien or Lewis Carroll might have spoken their tales ... or like Vivian Stanshall from the Bonzo Dog Band. He has perfect elocution, perfect speech habits that would put Olivier to shame. He has a dog in his lap, a large dog. VIVIAN It's not as if things haven't been strange enough already, it's not as if I was asking for more strangeness in my life, it's not as if I went up to the waitress and said, I'd like a cup of STRANGENESS with my tea, no thank you, I'd rather have a cup of Normal. I said this to my pet rat whose name is Syphilis and all he says is ... EXT. SANDY BEACH - DAY EDGAR Bingo! INT. HOUSE NEAR BEACH- DAY VIVIAN Which is a very strange thing for a rat to say I think. Most of all because outside of animated cartoons, rats aren't known to speak. I'm sure he said it though. Perhaps I said it. EXT. SANDY BEACH - DAY Edgar has increased in size. EDGAR I was lit on fire and told to form a band of elite crime fighting superheroes, which was very strange, not least of all because in spite of it all I'd always considered myself at heart a super villain. Not a hero at all. So, I had a problem. "I'm on fire," I said to no one in particular, but no one in particular wasn't listening. "I'm on fucking fire." I can't remember what happened after that. We hear the sound of flying saucer engines above. It's very loud. Edgar looks up. INT. HOUSE NEAR BEACH - DAY Vivian looks up. EXT. BEACH - DAY Flying saucers appear on the horizon. EDGAR Oh dear, the aliens are invading again. INT. HOUSE NEAR BEACH - DAY VIVIAN All I said to him was, aliens are invading, and my name is Bob. EXT. SANDY BEACH - DAY An alien appears. INT. HOUSE NEAR BEACH - DAY VIVIAN My name is Bob, that was the important part, but he only remembered the first part, the selfish bastard. That's probably why I wound up resenting him for the rest of my life. [pauses] He was kidnapped by aliens shortly after that. Life's funny sometimes, isn't it? EXT. SANDY BEACH - DAY Another alien appears. The first alien shoots Edgar. Edgar screams and drops the cat. INT. HOUSE NEAR BEACH - DAY VIVIAN The strangest part is, my name isn't even Bob. It's Vivian. I never told him that, of course. (pause) My head had been split in two and my stereo needed fixing, these two things were not related, and I strode forth into the desert inbetween a pair of mountains that looked exactly like grey cotton candy, or perhaps they didn't, but either way I was inspired to compose a song about turtles. EXT. SANDY BEACH - DAY Edgar lies dead and bleeding. EDGAR Ninja turtles? Vivian enters from stage right. VIVIAN No, just regular turtles, and the fellow at the stereo shop tells me I should get a subwoofer. So of course I say, oh no, boy, you're not tricking me like that, you think you're so clever but I am cleverer, how naive you are to even accuse me of being improperly subwoofed. Edgar exits stage left. VIVIAN You are unhappy and unpopular. You are in fact downright gauche. Vivian looks behind him. VIVIAN Oh dear, there goes another wave. INT. HOUSE NEAR BEACH - DAY Edgar is sitting exactly as Vivian was sitting before. EDGAR Teenage bingo brigage. EXT. SANDY BEACH - DAY Edgar lies dead and bleeding in the water. EDGAR I threw a party. She came into my apartment and sat down. Then she sat down again, and then she came into the apartment again. She was always a bit strange like that. INT. EDGAR'S APARTMENT - DAY EVE sits down. Then another EVE sits down. Then another. So three young women, all of whom look identical, and all of whom are named EVE, are sitting in chairs near to each other arguing. Edgar stands near them all. EDGAR And so suddenly there were three of her sitting around, and they were all arguing and bickering and none of them could agree what we should have for dinner. I couldn't decide what to do with them all, so we decided to form a rock band. The band was quite successful, but the party was completely spoiled. EXT. SANDY BEACH - DAY VIVIAN But the man the appliance store tells me, no, you need a subwoofer, your bass response is terrible. So I punched him in the face. That'll teach him to sell home appliances, I thought, and then I killed myself. INT. HOUSE NEAR BEACH - DAY EDGAR Teenage bingo brigage. Vivian enters, stage right. We pan up to him, ignoring Edgar. VIVIAN After that, nothing much happened. I managed in fact to become incredibly bored, which was something I had always had a talent for, even when I was very small and still had a life to live. I was bored and dead and I thought I'd give God a phone call and complain about it. But God's phone number turned out to be 216 digits long, and I thought, fuck that, I'm not paying that much in long distance fees. EXT. SANDY BEACH - DAY Vivian now lies dead and bleeding in the water. Edgar stands above him. EDGAR Teenage bingo brigade. EXT. ANOTHER PART OF THE BEACH - DAY The theme from Hawaii 5-O plays. Suddenly everything is very high energy and creatively directed and colorful, as in the opening credits to a very successful television program entering its fifth season. Four young people in swimsuits enter running. They carry guns and look very happy. Lots of splitscreen is used. CAPTION: "The TEENAGE BINGO BRIGADE - in color" The camera freezeframes on each of them as they strike action poses. There are two women and two men. CAPTION: "MUTIL" CAPTION: "The group's mysterious leader" MUTIL, the male leader of the group, poses mysteriously. CAPTION: "KIMI" CAPTION: "The busty brunette" KIMI, the busty brunette, poses bustily. CAPTION: "SKIPPER" CAPTION: "The homosexual sea captain" SKIPPER, the homosexual sea captain, poses angrily. CAPTION: "PLOG" CAPTION: "the blonde with the drinking problem" PLOG, the cute blonde with the drinking problem, poses drinkily and smiles. Credit sequence ends. The team assembles. ALL Teenage Bingo Brigade, unite! MUTIL We must find a mystery to solve! ALL A mystery! A CAT enters. We cut to a closeup on its cat face. A very deep voice from offscreen speaks its lines for it, though its mouth does not move. CAT I am a cat! ALL A cat! MUTIL It is indeed a cat! SKIPPER It speaks the truth! ALL The truth! The truth! MUTIL No! We are afraid of the truth, in the teenage bingo brigade! ALL Afraid! Brigade, ahhhH!! PLOG We must kill this demon cat who dares speak the truth! ALL Yes, kill! The cat enters. Another closeup on it. CAT I am a cat! They all become instantly scared. ALL AAAAAAGGGGGGGHHHHHH!!!! They all run away, far away, down the beach. We pan over to Edgar and Vivian, who are standing elsewhere on the beach, surrounded by various EXTRAS who are sitting down listening like a kindergarten audience to everything they have to say. There should be as many actual small children as possible in this bunch, and maybe a few fat bearded men, like Joe Sherlock types. EDGAR Teenage. Bingo. Brigade. VIVIAN What drives a man to kill? It is a Honda, a Volvo, or perhaps a Buick? EDGAR We should tell a story. VIVIAN All right. Gather round, teenage children. Let me tell you the story of the Teenage Bingo Brigade. The extras scoot closer to Vivian and Edgar. VIVIAN Once upon a time FUCK YOU!!! there lived a teenage -- EDGAR Wait a minute. VIVIAN What's wrong? EDGAR You can't scream "fuck you," this is a children's show. Vivian looks at Edgar, very confused. VIVIAN (as if Edgar is very stupid) I know. EDGAR Then why did you scream "fuck you" just now? VIVIAN I didn't! EDGAR Yes you did! VIVIAN (thinks) I don't think I did. (looks at audience) Children, did I just scream "fuck you" to you? EXTRAS Yes, yes you did. VIVIAN That's strange. That's a whole cup of strange. I don't remember screaming "fuck you" ... Well let me start again. Once upon a time FUCK YOU!!!! there lived a teenage bingo -- Edgar grabs Vivian. EDGAR Vivian, Vivian, stop, you've done it again. VIVIAN Done what? EDGAR Screamed "fuck you" to the children. VIVIAN I did? EDGAR Yes, yes you did. VIVIAN That's strange. I wonder ... Once upon a time FUCK YOU .... (pauses) I am saying fuck you, aren't I? EDGAR Yes, yes you are. VIVIAN That's bizarre. It must be an automatic reaction whenever I say Once upon a time FUCK YOU!!! -- yes, that must be it. How strange. Should I tell the story anyway? (pause) EDGAR I don't care. VIVIAN Okay. Once upon a time FUCK YOU!!! -- there lived a teenage bingo brigade MOTHER FUCKER and they spent all their time CUNT PUSSY solving mysteries COCK SHIT and fighting crime RAPE WHORES -- Edgar pushes a custard pie into Vivian's face. Long silence. EXT. YET ANOTHER PART OF THE BEACH - DAY The teenage bingo brigade are sitting on a beach blanket, looking bored. ALL There are no mysteries to solve. Long pause. PLOG You wanna play naked Twister? MUTIL/SKIPPER/KIMI Okay. They start removing their clothes. The cat enters. Closeup on the cat. CAT I am a dog! The brigade immediately becomes very scared. ALL AAAAAAGGGGHHHH!!!!! They run away, into the distance, down the beach. DRAMATIC ZOOM-IN on the cat. Zoom in and out dramatically for a while. We then pan down the beach. We continue panning for a while, but stop on two people, GEORGE and BILL, who are sitting on folding chairs at a card table on the beach, playing a very uninteresting looking two person game of bingo. Bill is holding a gun and pointing it in the general direction of George, though this is not immediately obvious. George is eating potato chips. Vivian walks by in the distance, his face still covered by a pie plate and pie. He trudges through the sand unhappily. Bill, looking very bored, selects a number. BILL B-38. George marks his card. Bill selects another number. BILL G-42. George marks his card. George throws his hands up into the air in happiness. GEORGE Bingo! Bill shoots George in the head. An incredible amount of blood spurts out of George's brain, dousing the entire table in red. George falls onto the table, dead, his head a flat gooey mess. Pause. Bill eats a potato chip. BIG HAPPY CAPTION (as in Monty Python): "THE END"